Mitch Hedberg Quotes & Sayings

Below are more quotes by Mitch Hedberg.

My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.

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Mitch Hedberg quotes

Funny quotes Sister quotes

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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

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Mitch Hedberg quotes

Funny quotes Happy quotes

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

86 up, 25 down

Mitch Hedberg quotes

Friends With Benefits quotes

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2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

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Mitch Hedberg quotes

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I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.

12 up, 5 down

Mitch Hedberg quotes

Work quotes Laziness quotes Comedy quotes

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Mitch Hedberg quotes

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Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Featured Quote: "I'm okay today. I'll be okay tomorrow. And the next day after that I'll still be okay. But in a year you will see me, I'll be amazing."

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New Updates! (5/20/2013) We've been working really hard on completing our new design and adding more member features. Once this is complete in the coming weeks there will be a lot more quotes by Mitch Hedberg and other authors. We've also changed the sorting on the site so you now see the latest Mitch Hedberg quotes first. Our goal is to have the best Mitch Hedberg quotes on the web!