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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W C Fields
31 Likes
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I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.
Paul Lynde
21 Likes
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright
81 Likes
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright
19 Likes
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I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
Stephen King
21 Likes
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Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby
31 Likes
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Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Mark Twain
33 Likes
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He would make a lovely corpse.
Charles Dickens
29 Likes
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Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn Vos Savant
16 Likes
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God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz
13 Likes
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
41 Likes
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
54 Likes
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For your information, I would like to ask a question.
Samuel Goldwyn
56 Likes
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Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz
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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby
21 Likes
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Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo
24 Likes
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
44 Likes
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Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P J O Rourke
107 Likes
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Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Josh Billings
10 Likes
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
28 Likes
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