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Dwight Schrute Quotes & Sayings
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30 entries tagged including 1 subtopics.
Last updated Mar 2024
Dwight Schrute Topics
QUOTES
I am not a security threat, and my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.
Dwight Schrute
4 Likes
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Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision.
Dwight Schrute
5 Likes
I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the sameexcept I could fly.
Dwight Schrute
6 Likes
As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me whats unethical.
Dwight Schrute
3 Likes
He was already dead, and we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious smoky rich flavor. Plus, you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.
Dwight Schrute
3 Likes
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I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions. And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriffs deputy to make friends. And by the way, I havent.
Dwight Schrute
3 Likes
Why tip someone for a job Im capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Dwight Schrute
5 Likes
Yes I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma! in the 7th grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that. I was good.
Dwight Schrute
8 Likes
I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
Dwight Schrute
8 Likes
A 30-year mortgage at Michaels age essentially means that hes buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldnt hear the other dead people.
Dwight Schrute
4 Likes
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Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Dwight Schrute
2 Likes
Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Dwight Schrute
2 Likes
I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having s.. in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.
Dwight Schrute
6 Likes
The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition wont receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis.Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Dwight Schrute
3 Likes
I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongooseand a panther.
Dwight Schrute
2 Likes
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How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammermercilessinsatiable
Dwight Schrute
7 Likes
Would I ever leave this company? Look, Im all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what Im being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, Im going wherever they value loyalty the most.
Dwight Schrute
3 Likes
I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.
Dwight Schrute
2 Likes
There are 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn by age 5. Rule 17- There are 3 things you never turn your back on- bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season
Dwight Schrute
5 Likes
Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you dont hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins arent smart. They just like pushing things.
Dwight Schrute
11 Likes
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