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Mitch Hedberg Quotes & Sayings
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114 entries tagged including 36 subtopics.
Last updated Apr 2024
Mitch Hedberg Topics
Funny
Letters
Work
Acting
Dancing
Fashion
Self-awareness
Fathers
Photography
Laziness
Racing
Senses
Talking
Television
Friends With Benefits
Happy
Silly
Friends
Plants
Food
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Life
Sadness
Women
Money
Inspirational
Comedy
Gambling
Girlfriends
Soccer
Arguments
Relationships
Boats
Bureaucracy
Camping
Sister
QUOTES
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
Mitch Hedberg
163 Likes
Funny quotes
Arguments quotes
Comedy quotes
Relationships quotes
Sponsored Links
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, Please try again. because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... Come on Mitchell, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
Mitch Hedberg
351 Likes
Inspirational quotes
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
100 Likes
Friends With Benefits quotes
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg
69 Likes
Funny quotes
Sister quotes
Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.
Mitch Hedberg
83 Likes
Sadness quotes
Sponsored Links
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
71 Likes
Funny quotes
Plants quotes
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
63 Likes
Funny quotes
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?
Mitch Hedberg
38 Likes
Camping quotes
Girlfriends quotes
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Mitch Hedberg
35 Likes
Life quotes
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.'
Mitch Hedberg
27 Likes
Funny quotes
Comedy quotes
Silly quotes
Sponsored Links
Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.
Mitch Hedberg
38 Likes
Women quotes
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
Mitch Hedberg
38 Likes
Funny quotes
Arguments quotes
Comedy quotes
Relationships quotes
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
Mitch Hedberg
40 Likes
Funny quotes
Fashion quotes
Self-awareness quotes
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.
Mitch Hedberg
24 Likes
Work quotes
Laziness quotes
Comedy quotes
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
24 Likes
Food quotes
Funny quotes
Comedy quotes
Sponsored Links
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
20 Likes
Women quotes
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
Mitch Hedberg
20 Likes
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under D.'
Mitch Hedberg
18 Likes
Money quotes
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.
Mitch Hedberg
10 Likes
Work quotes
Laziness quotes
Comedy quotes
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
13 Likes
Girlfriends quotes
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