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Mitch Hedberg Quotes & Sayings
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114 entries tagged including 36 subtopics.
Last updated Mar 2024
Mitch Hedberg Topics
Funny
Letters
Work
Acting
Dancing
Fashion
Self-awareness
Fathers
Photography
Laziness
Racing
Senses
Talking
Television
Friends With Benefits
Happy
Silly
Friends
Plants
Food
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Life
Sadness
Women
Money
Inspirational
Comedy
Gambling
Girlfriends
Soccer
Arguments
Relationships
Boats
Bureaucracy
Camping
Sister
QUOTES
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg
5 Likes
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I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg
4 Likes
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
0 Likes
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Mitch Hedberg
1 Likes
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch Hedberg
6 Likes
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I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg
3 Likes
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
2 Likes
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit. As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
4 Likes
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg
3 Likes
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg
10 Likes
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
3 Likes
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
Mitch Hedberg
2 Likes
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Mitch Hedberg
7 Likes
Soccer quotes
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
Mitch Hedberg
1 Likes
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Mitch Hedberg
2 Likes
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I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Mitch Hedberg
4 Likes
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg
1 Likes
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Mitch Hedberg
5 Likes
Funny quotes
Gambling quotes
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg
4 Likes
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg
3 Likes
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