Demetri Martin Quotes

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Total: 31 Quotes
 Demetri Martin quotes 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
Suggest Revision: If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
 
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 Demetri Martin quotes 
Suggest Revision: If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
Suggest Revision: The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
Suggest Revision: If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
Suggest Revision: My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
Suggest Revision: People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
Suggest Revision: I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
Suggest Revision: Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
 Swimming quotes 
Suggest Revision: Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
Suggest Revision: The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
 
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Quotes by Demetri Martin
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Thursday, May 23
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