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Total: 7366 Quotes
 Sam Ewing quotes 
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Suggest Revision: A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.
 
 Ellen DeGeneres quotes 
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Suggest Revision: People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant.
 
 Demetri Martin quotes 
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Suggest Revision: I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
 
 Tommy Cooper quotes 
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Suggest Revision: So a man jumps into a taxi and says King Arthur's close and the taxi driver says, don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights.
 
 Bob Monkhouse quotes 
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Suggest Revision: My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
 
 Les Dawson quotes 
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Suggest Revision: In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.
 
 Billy Connolly quotes 
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Suggest Revision: I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
 
 Milton Jones quotes 
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Suggest Revision: If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
 
 Milton Berle quotes 
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Suggest Revision: I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!
 
 Jerry Dennis quotes 
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Suggest Revision: A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!
 
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