Handy Manny Quotes

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Total: 115 Quotes
 Jack Handy quotes 
 Money quotes 
Suggest Revision: And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
 
 Jack Handy quotes 
 Money quotes 
Suggest Revision: I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
 
 Jack Handy quotes 
 Money quotes   Weapons quotes 
Suggest Revision: I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
 
 Jack Handy quotes 
 Books quotes 
Suggest Revision: Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
 
 Jack Handy quotes 
 Thinking quotes 
Suggest Revision: It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars
 
 Jack Handy quotes 
 Drink quotes 
Suggest Revision: If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron! and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice. Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
 
 Jack Handy quotes 
 Drink quotes 
Suggest Revision: The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. Uh-oh, he thought. This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.
 
 Jack Handy quotes 
 Death quotes 
Suggest Revision: I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
 
 Jack Handy quotes 
 Love quotes 
Suggest Revision: As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
 
 Jack Handy quotes 
 Love quotes 
Suggest Revision: To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks
 
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