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Total: 30654 Quotes
 Demetri Martin quotes 
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Suggest Revision: I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
 
 Sam Ewing quotes 
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Suggest Revision: A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.
 
 Gene Perret quotes 
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Suggest Revision: We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.
 
 Ellen DeGeneres quotes 
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Suggest Revision: People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant.
 
 Tim Vine quotes 
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Suggest Revision: Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
 
 Tommy Cooper quotes 
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Suggest Revision: So a man jumps into a taxi and says King Arthur's close and the taxi driver says, don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights.
 
 Bob Monkhouse quotes 
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Suggest Revision: My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
 
 Les Dawson quotes 
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Suggest Revision: In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.
 
 Billy Connolly quotes 
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Suggest Revision: I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
 
 Milton Jones quotes 
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Suggest Revision: If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
 
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