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Jack Handy New Years Day Resolution Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Jack Handy New Years Day Resolution" sorted by relevance. 500 matching entries found.
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A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.
Unknown
179 Likes
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This 2016 my resolution is to complete the resolution of 2015 that I should have completed in 2014.
Anurag Prakash Ray
45 Likes
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New Years Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.
James Agate
19 Likes
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My New Years resolution list usually starts with the desire to lose between 10 and 3,000 pounds.
Nia Vardalos
4 Likes
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There actually is no need for a New Years Resolution. If someone really wants to change themselves, it shouldnt take the beginning of a new year as motivation to do so. It should be done willingly. This is just one of the many lies that people tell themselves, in order to give themselves the illusion of change.
Unknown
60 Likes
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Resolution One: I will live for God. Resolution Two: If no one else does, I still will.
Jonathan Edwards
8 Likes
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New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.
James Agate
34 Likes
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Tomorrow is the first blank page of 365 page of book. So write a good one.
Brad Paisley
94 Likes
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This year, I'm just making one New Year's resolution: Stop making resolutions. My only other resolution is to quit breaking my resolutions.
Unknown
23 Likes
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Dear God, my prayer for 2012 is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did this year.
Unknown
241 Likes
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My resolution is to decipher the hidden meaning in your resolution.
Unknown
39 Likes
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This year my New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'Seacrest out!' after I ejaculate.
Zach Galifianakis
42 Likes
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If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
Jack Handy
7 Likes
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The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
Jack Handy
27 Likes
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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Jack Handy
13 Likes
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One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
Jack Handy
13 Likes
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Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Jack Handy
3 Likes
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My resolution is to spend more time avoiding friends and family.
Unknown
25 Likes
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My resolution is to spend less time working which means you'll have to work more.
Unknown
8 Likes
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Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now averagewhich means, you have met your New Year's resolution.
Jay Leno
16 Likes
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