Mitch Hedburge Quotes

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Total: 196 Quotes
 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
 Funny quotes   Comedy quotes 
Suggest Revision: I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...
 
 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
 Funny quotes 
Suggest Revision: I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
 
 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
 Funny quotes 
Suggest Revision: I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
 
 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
 Funny quotes   Plants quotes 
Suggest Revision: My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
 
 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
 Life quotes 
Suggest Revision: People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
 
 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
 Life quotes 
Suggest Revision: I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
 
 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
 Sadness quotes 
Suggest Revision: Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.
 
 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
 Women quotes 
Suggest Revision: I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
 
 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
 Women quotes 
Suggest Revision: Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.
 
 Mitch Ratcliffe quotes 
 Computers quotes 
Suggest Revision: Computers have enabled people to make more mistakes faster than almost any invention in history, with the possible exception of tequila and hand guns.
 
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