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Seth Meyers Quotes & Sayings

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91 entries tagged including 1 subtopics.
Last updated Apr 2024

Seth Meyers Topics

QUOTES

President Obama reacted to his Nobel Peace Prize win saying, 'I accept this award as a call to action.' That's great, but just as a reminder, that's what the election was too.

3 Likes

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Starting Monday, 7-11 will begin testing a new plastic wrap designed to keep bananas yellow and firm for five days. Though if your banana remains firm for more than 5 days call a doctor immediately.

7 Likes

The November issue of Playboy magazine will feature Marge Simpson on the cover. So I guess we'll finally find out if the beehive matches the carpet.

18 Likes

It was announced Friday that golf and rugby will be added to the Olympic Games in 2016. Though to save time they will be combined into one sport.

4 Likes

It was announced that Rush Limbaugh will be a judge for the 2010 Miss America pageant. This is an early boost to miss Connecticut, whose talent is filling out illegal prescriptions.

5 Likes

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Conservative lawmakers in Egypt have called for a ban on imports of a kit meant to help women fake their virginity on their wedding night. The kit consists of a back brace and a Battlestar Galactica nightie.

9 Likes

A woman in Pennsylvania was arrested for putting a forged 50 dollar check in a church offering plate and for stealing a woman's wallet from a pew. But you know what? A lot of people don't even go to church.

10 Likes

A man in Detroit was sentenced to two years in prison for stealing a woman's car after skipping out on the check on their first date. I don't know what's sadder, the fact that he did that, or the fact that she's still counting it as a date.

7 Likes

President Obama on Monday unveiled his re-election slogan, 'Forward'. Which is strange because it seems like every forward I get is Anti-Obama.

14 Likes

A new book released this week about President Obama reveals details of his relationship with ex-girlfriend Genevieve Cook, including that she spent the night at his apartment on their first date. So at least there was a time when he could get things done quickly.

12 Likes

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Olympia Snowe's vote was hailed as a victory for bipartisanship. So now you only need one Republican to be bipartisan? Those are pretty low standards. That's like saying you're bi-lingual if you say "ola" to the nanny.

3 Likes

Republican Senator Olympia Snowe warned Tuesday that while she crossed party lines to vote for the new health care bill in Committee, that doesn't mean that she will vote for it when it reaches the Senate floor. Adding, 'come on, guys, chase me.

3 Likes

On Thursday a boy hid in a box. So, I guess that was a faster way to tell that story.

4 Likes

A high school in Georgia has banned its cheerleaders from displaying football banners with biblical verses on them as school-sponsored groups cannot promote a particular religious view. I believe the quote in question refers to Jesus, who once said of the Pharasees, 'push 'em back, push 'em back, waaaay back.

8 Likes

It is being reported that Kate Hudson may be pregnant with boyfriend Alex Rodriguez's baby. If true it would be the first time A-Rod has ever produced in October.

5 Likes

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A new study shows that kids who eat a lot of candy are more likely to be arrested for violent behavior as adults, said that weird old lady who gives out apples on Halloween.

6 Likes

On Wednesday, a 55 year-old inmate escaped from Rikers Island after he convinced guards that he was a lawyer. Guards probably should've become suspicious when he was wearing a suit he carved out of soap.

4 Likes

According to the doctor who performed his autopsy report, Michael Jackson was mostly in fine physical shape when he died. The doctor then added, 'Oh- nope- hang on, I had the chart upside down, god no in heaven

6 Likes

It was reported this week that director Roman Polanski's arrest on unlawful s.. charges came as he arrived in Switzerland where he was to attend a film festival and receive a lifetime achievement award. In light of this, Osama bin Laden will be given the Irving G. Thalberg award at this year's Oscars.

8 Likes

Iran on Thursday agreed to open its newly revealed uranium enrichment plant to international inspectors in the next two weeks and to send most of its enriched uranium to Russia to be turned into fuel. See, nothing to worry about. They're just enriching tons of uranium and sending it to Russ--wait, what?

5 Likes

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