I have a similar life, but not to your exact extent. I have had thoughts of death and suicide since childhood though. My serious advice, diet and exercise. Its echoed so often it seems like a scape-goat for real advice, but it will be the foundation of your joyful life, it is for mine.
-Brainwave Optimization. Look it up, ive used it, very powerful results
-find a reputable QRA doctor near, also find a DO doctor. MD's are drug dealers, forget them. Akanne