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2-in-1 is a bullsh.. term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
Mitch Hedberg
9 Likes
9 Comments
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I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the sh.. does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps sh.. fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.
Mitch Hedberg
24 Likes
Work quotes
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Sponsored Links
Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, 'Dude, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. I said, 'Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good.'
Mitch Hedberg
4 Likes
Television quotes
I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fu.. would make their plants hard to reach?! I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they invent a product before you shrivel and die. And they said, you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fu..in' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bi...: the mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamps will be in the wrong denomination...Good luck f*cker! The last payment must be made in wompum!
Mitch Hedberg
16 Likes
Funny quotes
Television quotes
I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say 'What?'. So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says 'What?'. But really it's just some insignificant sh*t that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away.'
Mitch Hedberg
14 Likes
Friends quotes
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'
Mitch Hedberg
8 Likes
Senses quotes
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Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.
Mitch Hedberg
7 Likes
Sadness quotes
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.'
Mitch Hedberg
27 Likes
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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
11 Likes
Comedy quotes
Silly quotes
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...
Mitch Hedberg
20 Likes
Funny quotes
Racing quotes
One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit**, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera. What's it look like?'
Mitch Hedberg
8 Likes
Photography quotes
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I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.
Mitch Hedberg
3 Likes
I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control... Now it's worth eight, still says two. I miss the two. I could break a two.
Mitch Hedberg
3 Likes
Money quotes
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