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And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bi....
Mum comes in and says 'I'm working out,' and she'll just be standing there naked doing a dance.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Teacher Retirement quotes
Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
From birth to 18 a girl needs good parents; from 18 to 35, she needs good looks. From 35 to 55, good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash. I'm saving my money.
Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
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