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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart-about a finger's breadth-for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
50th Wedding Anniversary
Being Who You Are
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