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I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.
Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.
I was making love one night with my wife and she said: 'You're in me.' I know where I am, shut the fuck up.
It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.
I sit down with my daughter and I said, 'Do you know how babies get here?' And she said, 'Well, the lady has an egg inside of her, and the man has sperm inside of him, and the sperm meets the egg, and that's how the lady gets pregnant.' And I said, 'Do you know how the sperm meets the egg?' She said, 'Does the man pee on the woman?' I said, 'Sometimes, but that's $35 extra.'
So because of my act my daughter thinks she can talk to me about anything. She's been dating the same guy since high school and they go to the same college, and she calls me up one night and says 'Dad, I wanted to talk to you about Steve.' And all I can think is if she tells me she took it up the ass I'm gonna drop dead on the phone. I mean what do you say to that 'Daddy, I don't like it in the butt.' Yeah, you and your mom both. So she says 'Dad, you know Steve and I have been together for a while, and he was wondering what it would be like to go all the way.' So I said 'Maybe I'll fuck him then he won't have to wonder anymore.' See Steve that's what it's like to go all the way...would you stop crying?
What is it with the animals with the bikes? I took my daughter to the circus. She said: 'Daddy, how do they teach a bear how to ride a bike?' I said: It's easy, they nail his feet to the pedals and they beat the shit out of him. He's not riding, he's running. He just happens to be attached to the bike.
One of my friends goes: 'So, you know what really turns me on; when girls talk dirty in bed.' Yeah I tried that with my wife. I said: 'Hey, talk dirty to me.' She said: 'Go fuck yourself.' Not that dirty.
Caution: Anal intercourse may lead to irregular heart rhythms. Yeah, you know I'm never gonna have to worry about that. Because God gave me a second lease on life and I'm not gonna press my luck and take it up the ass.
So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: 'You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation.' Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.
Anniversary For Boyfriend
I Hate You
I Miss You
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