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I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
Communism is like one big phone company.
A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.
All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour -- ha ha ha ha ha -- they'll take you away, man. You can't.
Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
50th Wedding Anniversary
Better Off Without You
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