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I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like "hey, there's an asshole."
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
Two Faced People
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