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I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.
I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.
I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.
I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.
I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.
I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.
I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.
I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.
President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.
I Dont Give A Fuck
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