Get in Touch
Browse our latest quotes
Categorized list of quote topics
Alphabetical list of influential authors
Custom and user added quotes with pictures
I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.
I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.
I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.
I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.
I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.
I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.
President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.
When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.
My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.
Being There For Someone
Funny Facebook Status
I Dont Give A Fuck
I Hate You
Thinking Of Him
Our goal is to help you by delivering amazing quotes to bring inspiration, personal growth, love and happiness to your everyday life.
© 2020 SearchQuotes™