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I want to do a radio show where I can say what I want, when I want and that's free for anybody who can be bothered to listen.
Ricky Gervais
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When a crab's pissed it walks forward.
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It's the one thing I actively don't like: just being recognized.
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Oscars isn't about comedy. It's about a bunch of people turning up to see if they have won an award. It's a historic, stuffy thing and I would want to have fun with it and I don't think they would want me to do that. I wouldn't be allowed to do what I wanted and it would be no fun for me reading from an autocue. I'd want to do it my way.
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There's a story going round that I injected my pet dog with botox. I didn't. I haven't got a dog. I would never do anything to hurt or enhance the unconditional natural beauty of an animal. It was a joke.
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I don't think a comedian should even be concerned with being cool or sexy, as soon as you do, you aren't a comedian any more. Looks are still the most important thing for women when it comes to meeting a partner. And that's fair enough, but a sense of humour is really important too. For starters, it's a great indicator of whether you are going to get on. If the first time you go on a date you don't find each other funny, there's a fundamental problem.
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I'm not from these parts. I'm from a little place called England, we used to run the world before you lot.
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There's no difference between fame and infamy now. There's a new school of professional famous people that don't do anything. They don't create anything.
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