Get in Touch
Browse our latest quotes
Categorized list of quote topics
Alphabetical list of influential authors
Custom and user added quotes with pictures
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
25th Wedding Anniversary
Better Off Without You
Falling For You
Funny Cold Weather Sayings
I Love You So Much
Heart And Soul
Our goal is to help you by delivering amazing quotes to bring inspiration, personal growth, love and happiness to your everyday life.
© 2020 SearchQuotes™