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In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.
In America, with all of its evils and faults, you can still reach through the forest and see the sun. But we don't know yet whether that sun is rising or setting for our country.
If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.
If it wasn't for Abe Lincoln, I'd still be on the open market.
I'm not a comic. I'm a humorist.
I wouldn't mind paying taxes - if I knew they were going to a friendly country.
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I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.
Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned.
And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede.
We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.
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