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In the 80's we had high, high, waisted pants, that if they came up any higher they'd have to go up another size, if you know what I mean.
We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?
I'm a Godmother, that's a great thing to be, a Godmother. She calls me God for short, that's cute. I taught her that.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for Ohhh my God, you're thin.
I just like observing people, it's something I've done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That's a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that.
I get paid very well for an amazing, amazing life. I'm blessed.
You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'm sick and tired of hearing about me.
Human beings only use ten percent of their brains. Ten percent! Can you imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other sixty percent?
I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.
Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.
I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to acheive that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
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