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Ive been on a cruise ship thats crashed. The captain comes on, 'I want you to know that the ship is taking on a little water.' You mean were sinking. A guy bringing on a case of Evian, thats taking on a little water.
Gotta love whitewater rafting. Ten of us are going. Eight will come back. Dont forget to wear your toe tag. Sometimes the bodies dont float down the river for a week or so.
I dont do up. Sit-ups. Push-ups. Pull-ups. I do downs. Sit down. Lay down. Blackjack, Ill double down. Give me a cheeseburger, Ill wolf it down. Put on a little music, Ill boogie down.
I tried the low-carb bread. Have you tried it? It's horrible. I tasted it. I thought the wrapper was still on. It's not like it went bad, it never went good. They have 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter,' they should call it, 'This Ain't Bread.' 'Cause it looks like bread, but it has no other properties of bread. I said, 'You know what? I'll butter it. That'll make it better.' Butter won't go on it. It slides right off. The butter's like, 'Where are you putting me?' Jam and jelly beads up and fall off it. Did they Scotch-guard this at the factory? You know what I'll do? It's okay, I'll toast it. I'll make a sandwich, I'll toast it. It's better when you toast it. It doesn't toast. You can't toast it. I'm out in the garage with a blow torch. It's absorbing the heat like a space shuttle tile.
What do they give you for a side dish in England for breakfast? Home Fries? Hash Browns? Fresh fruit? Nay, nay. They give you beans. Oh, good. Let's start me off in the morning: empty stomach, cup of black coffee, and some beans. Now let's walk me around London for a little while, getting me all churned up. Put me in a taxi and see what happens. I blew the doors off the taxi.
Socially this was very difficult on me. When you have no eyebrows... people don't know what's wrong but they're pretty sure something isn't right. And maybe we should take the next elevator, Honey.
We have our underwear 10, 12 years! Ladies just throw pantyhose out! I'd go through a crate of 'em a week! And the pantyhose rip for no reason! You just...*rip*. We have material that stops bullets and the pantyhose are ripping? It's built-in obsolescence! It's bullshit!
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