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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
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