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My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!
Children always know when company is in the living room - they can hear their mother laughing at their father's jokes
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!
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