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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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