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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time is 18 years.
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