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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Dysfunctional Family quotes
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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