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People may say that what I do is very clever, but it's not really at all. It's not Swift.
Or the Department of Education and another ministry were worried about duplication of effort, so what did they do? They set up two committees to look into duplication and neither knew what the other was up to. It really is a world beyond parody.
Now I'm instantly nervous about the demands of doing a weekly column.
My first public impression was my French teacher, Derek Swift.
It is a weird thing, because most people tend to get more conservative as they get older, but I find myself going the opposite way. I am sure that by the end I will be selling Marxist pamphlets on the Holloway Road.
In a more intellectually rigorous age, I wouldn't be talked about as a satirist at all. I would just be a topical comedian.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
I've no idea what they make of me. People usually don't recognise themselves in an impression.
I'm supposed to be the director of a television company, but I've only ever seen that company as a vehicle for making the kind of programmes we wanted to make, getting our ideas on the screen.
I'm much more used to the TV shows, which are demanding to write and perform but very fulfilling.
I remember driving home one evening while they were reviewing the papers on the radio. One of the articles was about me separating from my wife. It's a weird thing to listen to a news report about the break-up of your marriage.
I had an Edinburgh, middle-class childhood and a public school education.
I am just fascinated by this reassurance from a menacing figure. It is rather frightening.
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