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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I've got a very poor sense of direction. I keep forgetting which way is forwards.
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.
I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
There's an old saying - There's No Place Like Home. Well, I went in the house next door, and it was very similar.
Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
The fastest way to make your own Anti-freeze is to hide her nightgown.
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