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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
People always ask me, Where were you when Kennedy was shot? Well, I don't have an alibi.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
All I Want Is You
Clever Facebook Status
Falling For Someone
Taken For Granted
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