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So one day as a kid I was at the local Zoo. I was bored and kept pestering my Dad to go and play. Eventually he agreed, took me over to the lion enclosure, threw me in and said: There ya go, play dead...
So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
I've got a very poor sense of direction. I keep forgetting which way is forwards.
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!
I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
Children always know when company is in the living room - they can hear their mother laughing at their father's jokes
My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'
Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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