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Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one?
George Bernard Shaw
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said My dog's died.'
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
I've got a very poor sense of direction. I keep forgetting which way is forwards.
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.
I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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