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Terry: Actually, Greg married once. Greg: I was confused. Is that why you're here, Stan? Are you confused?
CIA Man 1: Hey, wanna get baked and ride the escalators at the mall? CIA Man 2: Do I!
Klaus: You know what looks good to me? Francine bent over that sink. Francine: Klaus, calm down.
Hayley: It's just toast, Dad. Stan: This time it was toast, Hayley. This time.
Stan: Here's your allowance, champ! Steve: Wow... a whole five bucks. Stan: Yeah, I'm gonna need change.
Roger: Oh, don't everybody help at once. Francine: My goodness, Roger! When was the last time you weighed yourself? Roger: Oh, oh, ow. Ow, Francine. You know, we can't all look like those anorexic aliens on the James Cameron movies. Francine: I'm sorry, Roger, but I'm putting you on a diet. Starting today, no more junk food. (Takes Roger's donut) Roger: What?! No, not my Frankenberries! Oh, Francine! Please be reasonable! (Gets on table trying to get his donuts, breaks table) Oh, God! I got a bear claw in my ass!
Girl: Hey, I love your dog. Guy: Hey, want to come back to my apartment and pet my schnauzer? Girl: Okay. Guy: And then we can play with this dog.
Stan: (With gun, searching the house) Osama, is that you? (Hears noise, fires gun) Roger: Geez, Stan, what gives? Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing because that's a giant load of crap.
Stan: (Picks up telephone) This is Stan Smith. Principal Lewis: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son. Stan: Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years. (Starts chugging down pills) Principal Lewis: Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office. Stan: I see. (Foam starts coming out of his mouth) Henry, antidote!
Steve: Bobby, get over here, I want my Shazzam shirt dry cleaned and pressed by third period. Oh, and another thing, all periods will now be called Steves. (Shift to a classroom scene) Boy 1: (To another boy) Hey, I'm thinking of cutting third Steve, you in? Boy 2: Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve. Teacher: (To class) So, if it's a statement, it should always be followed by a Steve. Girl: Mr. Phillips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve.
Hayley: Oh my God. Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house? Stan: Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Steve. Steve: Hilary, could you pass the salt? Stan: (Holding gun to her head) Pass him the salt.
Hayley: (To Stan) You know, Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunatics would agree to gun control. Stan: You know what I have to say to that? (Pause) Ah, I thought I was gonna fart.
By the way, Haley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, these Chocodiles Haley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, oh my God! -Roger
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