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The Easter Bunny ate all of the carrots that we left for him. What a pig.
Looks like I am going to eat another big red candle.
I thought of this really funny thing today. It was hilarious and relatable. Just hysterical.
Beauty tip: Drink at least 300 ounces of water a day. Your skin will glow! ***Spoiler Alert*** This will result in kidney failure and death.
I am deeply flattered when people refer to me as an ugly Jon Hamm.
Look for me on American Idol tonight. I won't be appearing, just look for me.
Sometimes the glass is half full, and then you marry one. Wait...
I've been looking for an un-registered dietitian, but they're impossible to find.
Hyperbole is a thousand times better than exaggeration.
Just delivered Class Day address at Princeton. Should have actually written a speech. Congrats to my niece Maggie.
This morning I had a delicious breakfast of hashtags and bacon.
The next person who calls me a 'nice guy' is going to get punched in the face.
After enjoying a tuna fish sandwich, my seven year old son kindly asked me to 'Change my breath.'
A Real Man
Best Man Speech
Im Better Than You
It Is What It Is
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