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The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.
Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.
People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.
My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.
Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.
It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.
It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
A Real Woman
Being True To Yourself
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