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The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
50th Wedding Anniversary
Happy Married Life
I Love You
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