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The next time you have a thought... let it go.
The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.
People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.
Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.
My goal is just to become a better comedian.
I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.
I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.
I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.
I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.
I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
A Real Man
Anniversary For Boyfriend
I Dont Want To Lose You
I Still Love You
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