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The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.
One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.
Just put down 9-11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.
It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.
I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.
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