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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Dysfunctional Family quotes
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Friends With Benefits
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