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Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
There's no down time any more.
The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.
Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.
People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.
My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.
Boyfriend In Jail
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