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When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.
So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!
Children always know when company is in the living room - they can hear their mother laughing at their father's jokes
My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'
Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
I write for Reader's Digest. It's not hard. All you do is copy out an article and mail it in again.
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
Being Hurt By Someone You Love
Creative Twitter Bios
I Miss You
Im Not Over You
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