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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
The status quo sucks.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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