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You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say 'My Bad!'
Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass...but you just pushed my jackass button.
I discovered two very important facts that day; Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to bounce.
Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
Go 'it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!' And my wife goes 'Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?',and I said 'Exactly!'
I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.'
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says 'you like baseball?' I said, 'Oh, man, I love baseball.' So he goes 'Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?' Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said 'did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?' He left.
Hat's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.
I go 'I just want a cup of black coffee.' She goes 'Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy.' Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.
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I Dont Give A Fuck
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