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You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.
There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.
There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.
People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.
Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.
My goal is just to become a better comedian.
I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.
I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.
I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.
I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
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