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Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.
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1882 Likes
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Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
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540 Likes
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I'm pretty sure the whole ladies first thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.
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2760 Likes
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Good choice putting $4,000 rims on your 1998 Honda Civic. That's like Betty White going out and getting her tits done.
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476 Likes
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I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I Miss New York", so I smashed their window and stole their radio.
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649 Likes
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I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones.
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438 Likes
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I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect'. So my computer just tells me when I forget.
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2887 Likes
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I bet that in prison everyone's FB relationship status is set to "it's complicated".
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4457 Likes
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I don't get nervous if I'm surrounded by beautiful women. I know they're all too busy hating each other to notice me.
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673 Likes
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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
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967 Likes
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A man yells at his wife "pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery." "Oh wonderful!" she says, "should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" The husband replies, "I don't care. Just get out!"
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1697 Likes
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An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
Unknown
1496 Likes
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Best way to get out of a text convo: "The message could not be delivered due to a temporary network setup error. Please try later. Error 2128-226110"
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1743 Likes
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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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102 Likes
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My Lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."
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1197 Likes
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Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out.
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2419 Likes
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If State Farm were such a good neighbor they'd come over and pick up all the dog sh.. in my yard.
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775 Likes
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I always lock my front door before I get in the shower 'cause if a killer broke in & heard me singing I'd be HUMILIATED.
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764 Likes
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.
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336 Likes
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I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.
Unknown
784 Likes
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