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Please GOD if you cant make me slim, make my friends fat.
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'Lehme gedda uh' = I would like to order something from your fine establishment, but I have to make up my mind first.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
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We should watch a movie. And by 'watch a movie' I mean we should fu.. each other senseless while a movie plays in the background.
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Is wondering who was the first to look at a cow and think: I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!
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Dear Dora, how in the hell did do you get that tiny shirt to fit over your big head...Sincerely, thats physically impossible!
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Are all of Taylor Swifts songs about the same guy, or is she just a whore?
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I've never been in love before...But I can imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
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Absolutely no one can text faster than a pissed off woman.
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Hey Vegetarians, my food sh..s on your food.
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It's perfectly legal to be stupid at times but some people just completely take advantage.
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If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on facebook!
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Obama's Plan = 'bi...es get stitches.' Romney's Plan = 'bi...es get stitches assuming that bi... can afford healthcare.'
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It's adorable when sleep tries to compete with Facebook.
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Don't treat someone like an iphone if they treat you like a blackberry.
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I'm not saying I am Batman, I am just saying that no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room...
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If I was stranded on a desert island and I could only bring one thing, I would bring Dora. That girl has everything in that backpack.
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A penis has a rough life. His hair always looks a mess, he stays next to an asshole, his family is nuts, his best friends are pussies and his owner is always beating him.
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My bed and I have a special relationship, we're perfect for each other. But my alarm clock just hates seeing us together.
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Dear 11 year old on Facebook with 'It's complicated.' Seriously????? What did he do??? Steal your animal crackers??
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